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ON THIS DAY
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May 30
On this day in 1996, acromegalic born-again New Age Christian John Tesh serves his final day of duty as co-host of Entertainment Tonight. Our grieving nation continues to struggle valiantly onward in a feeble attempt to get along without him.
On this day in 1965, Vivian Malone becomes the first black person to graduate from the University of Alabama. She received her Bachelor of Arts in Redneck-onomics. That's where they teach you how to make your food budget stretch farther by incorporating roadkill into your diet.
On this day in 1989, Margaret Ray pleads guilty to repeatedly breaking into David Letterman's house. Within a few years, after having transfered her affections to some astronaut dude, she would hitch a ride to the afterlife by kissing a speeding train smack on the nose.
On this day in 1992, Paul Simon maries some dude named Edie Brickell. Chaos ensues.
On this day in 1997, Betty Shabazz, widow of slain civil rights leader Malcolm X, is set on fire by her 12 year old grandson for some reason. Too bad MTV's Jackass wasn't around back then. Otherwise, they would have had a handy scapegoat.
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THEY SAID IT!
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"Despite what happened today, I am still a very blessed man. ... I have a very warm and loving and Christian family that supports me, a lot of friends. We believe that God, in fact, is in control, and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord. And we love our Lord and ultimately all of these things will work for good."
- Enron fraudster Kenny-Boy Lay addresses the press outside the courtroom where his guilty verdict was declared. Sentencing will begin on (dum-dum-duuuum) September 11, 2006.
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"Marines are good at killing. Nothing else. They like it."
- An American contractor keeping the dam at Haditha, Iraq, in working order, discusses his harrowing experiences with his military companions, who appear to have gone feral.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope!
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrows as they checked in to the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
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Thanks to our old pal Doc20 for sending in today's second joke.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."
The chief gives him a sword.
The Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a pistol.
The Englishman says, "God save the queen!" and shoots himself.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over.
The chief asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds: "So much for your fucking CANOE, asshole!"
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Brummbaer...
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: NEW BOOK RECOMMENDATION
care of: The Dalhi Bobba
Hey there Jerky,
Whats the haps? I'll make a long story short - I got a sneak peak at the new Greg Palast book due out 6-6-06. I actually thought it was already out - I went to buy it and discovered it wasnt released yet-anyway, we have digressed.
Mr. Palast has very well backed info. The reason we invaded Iraq was NOT to GET THEIR OIL. What? Your probably as surprised as I was. We actually invaded to keep the Iraqi Oil Reserves IN IRAQ and OFF THE WORLD MARKET to drive up the price.
How do oil companies make money when the price of the barrel is up at $70 (or close to it)? Well, thats the first question I asked, because like everyone else I have been programmed to believe they are vicitims of this like me.
Here is the kicker. In Africa (Nigeria and the like) where the big 5 have wells and are drilling constantly, that's where the profit is at. See, Exxon drills in Nigeria at a cost of $20 a barrel, then they sell the oil back to themselves at the market price of, yes, $70 a barrel. That's why they dont want oil coming out of Iraq.
But Jerky, there is some heavy finance stuff as well. Like Venenzuala has more oil than Saudi Arabia. Ok, for those who worship Satan (aka Ronnie Raygun) Ill give you that Mr. Chavez is a commie. But, Mr. Chavez HAS OFFERED US OIL AT A HUGE DISCOUNT to help out the working class in the USA.
Seems he is a little more friendly than the old Polit Bureau. Dubya has some voucher system that backcharges the supplier (aka 3rd world country) and Chavez wont play ball. I have to reread that another 50 times before I grasp how it works - but the gist of it is, Chavez wants to help me and you but not our government. He seems like a stand up guy when it comes to policy. The buy-back stuff helps our deficit somehow.
It's amazing how this book has been avoided. Palast goes deep into election fraud as well. He has more than solid evidence that Bush lost 2004 WORSE then he lost in 2000! Fucking WORSE?!
Jerky, I will get the hardcopy book. And I gotta sugest that you get it to. It's slammed with facts, documentation and statistics. if you're like me, you will have to read it a few times to grasp it - but it's worth it.
Later
The Dalhi Bobba
[I read everything Palast puts out. Here's his website. - Jerky]
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey bro, Here's the link for that Flash I made. This avi is close to the original Flash I made, but this damn thing doesn't sync exactly like I have it in the actual Flash. It pissed me off so I quit messing with it back then. That and last year when I was making it, I was supposed to be looking for a job. I never did finish it, but you'll get the gist of where I was going with it. That other vid you linked was way better quality than my Flash, but I bet those guys don't get high as much as I do either... that, and I'm a lazy fucker. yopFF
[Good job, man. I like where you were going with it. - Jerky]
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Yo Jerky, I was catching up on my Dirt tonight and saw your top 13 music pics. (The Zep/Katrina vid was excellent) Anyhoo, you mentioned not being able to find a "Larks Tonge" video. Youtube has a great one. This was apparently soon after Bruford had left Yes to join Fripp and the boys. Check out Jamie Muir - a drummer that even the great Bill Bruford says was a huge influence on his playing. Speaking of Bill, his album One of a Kind - in particular the song "Hells Bells" - is amazing with Allan Holdsworth on guitar and Jeff Berlin on bass. It's particularly notable because it's a drummer's solo album without a single (stupid) drum solo. "Fainting in Coils" isn't bad either. Sigh... The "new" King Crimson sure doesn't do it for me like the old. Both Red and Starless and Bible Black were epics, no? Cigarettes, ice cream, figurines of the Virgin Mary indeed! As always, keep up the great work. Yer Old Pal Beau
[Indeed. My own three favorite K.C. albums are Larks Tongues in Aspic, Red and Discipline. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky - Whoever did the job putting Condi's head on that guy with his pants down is awesome! She really looks like she's enjoying herself soiling her shorts, and the 'Ninja Please' t-shirt is HI-larious! jack
[It is LOLalicious. - Jerky]
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Hey Joiks! Why would Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff cut anti-terror funds for New York, the one city in America that has seen the most terror attacks, by 40%? Yet, increase funds for cities that have never been targeted by Al Qaeda - like Louisville, Atlanta, and Omaha? MattDragon
[Do you really have to ask? - Jerky]
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Dear Jerky, I was having a discusion regarding baby-boomers with some friends and am interested in your viewpoint in the matter. To make a long story short my case was that Baby-boomers have out-consumed all previous generations, and are leaving behind a terrible legacy of suburban sprawl, insufficent pension funds and the end of plentiful oil within their generation. The counter point was, that baby-boomers have built up society as we know it, and therfore will be hailed by future generations for building civil rights, building the infrastructure and preventing a modern world war. We went on till the wee-hours throwing terms around like hippies to yuppies, the 'ego' generation and so on, never reaching a conclusion (the drink and smoke had taken their toll).
So, whats your take on all of this? Poli
[The boomers have been herded along just like the generations that preceeded, and those that will follow, them. - Jerky]
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Dear OPJ I know it's been a long time... I saw a piece on the NewsHour yesterday about Unity08.com. Seems like something those of us who are sick of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer should be looking into - not just in the ersatz 'Land of the Free' but here Downunder where we seem determined to follow GWB down any rabbithole of insanity that pops into his syphliltic scone. Cheers again! OZEBLOKE
[Sorry, but the Democrats already have far too many Republicans in their midst for my liking. Besides which, fascists never compromise. It's part of their nature. If they appear to be doing so, it's only so that they can trick you further on down the road. - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, I just filled out my absentee ballot. It consisted of two heavy pieces of paper suitable for Optical Scanning. I only voted for a few people and measures. Upon weighing the envelope, it was more than an ounce -- requiring extra postage. I called and asked if I could cut away the portions of the ballot which I didn't use. They said it was OK. Even after cutting, the envelope was still a little over an ounce. I mailed it anyway with a note on the front asking why I should have to pay extra postage for a ballot printed in both English and Spanish. I'm an American and speak English. My parents were immigrants and had to learn English to become citizens. If the Spanish wasn't there the envelope would weigh considerably less. They could make even more money for the USPS by printing the ballot in English, Spanish, Tagalog, Vietnamese, Chinese, French, German, Russian, Hebrew and possibly Armenian - my choice. Another objection to multi-lingual ballots - who knows what it says in Chinese? It might say "Vote for this guy or we'll deport you and your family." Just watch. The ballot will get returned for lack of proper postage. I'll be out 39 cents, and I'll loose my vote. FSPC! Aram
[Whatever The Powers That Be can do to make voting more difficult for YOU, they're doing it. - Jerky]
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