JOSEF STALIN - SCI-FI VISIONARY! According to recently discovered documents in Moscow, genocidal dictator Josef Stalin ordered top Soviet veterinary scientists to breed "a new invincible human being" in the mid 1920's. Specifically, Uncle Joe asked biologist Ilya Ivanov to create "a living war machine, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat" by genetically crossing human beings with gorillas. A special facility was even created in the Soviet state of Georgia -- Stalin's homeland -- where the new warrior/labor class would be bred, reared and trained. Considering the fate suffered by those unlucky enough to get on Stalin's bad side, yer old pal Jerky thinks it's safe to assume that there was a whole lotta hot monkey lovin' going down in the CCCP for a while, before the project was scrapped due to lack of success and/or a shortage of monkey jizz. Although it's hard not to admire Stalin's visionary bravado, some aspects of his plan seem a bit short-sighted in hindsight. Cross-breeding men with gorillas would be fine for the Army, but what about the other branches of the military? After all, once you cross the threshold of interspecies taboo -- even at the conceptual level -- the potentials are limitless. You could cross men with sharks -- or, if mammals are easier, killer whales -- for a terrifying, fully aquatic Navy. Or how about crossing men with horses to field a virtually unstoppable cavalry? Marines could be created using a human/Rottweiler/wolverine mix. Breeding a new genetic abomination for the Air Force would be substantially more difficult, at least until we figure out a way to get an F/A-22 pregnant. You see where I'm going with this. Once you adopt the stance of the Nietzschean Ubermensch by banishing from your mind the spiteful, artificial constructs of "Good" and "Evil", revulsion (weak) makes way to fascination (strong), which feeds the inspiration (will to power) that will shape evolution (New World Order). If you're the right kind of person, it's enough to make your nipples hard! Sadly, with the Cold War now a fading memory, the odds of us ever witnessing anything as undeniably kick-ass as a rampaging platoon of murderous Soviet super-monkeys are nigh infinitesimal. But are they? Consider the Pentagon's ongoing, black-budgeted Extended Performance War Fighter program. This incredibly ambitious, multi-disciplinary project is being directed by the Pentagon think tank called DARPA, a.k.a. the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. The battlefield technologies envisioned by DARPA's private sector subcontractors make our current efforts at boosting soldier productivity -- consisting mostly of shoving cocaine-grade stimulants down their throats -- seem quaint, pathetic and embarrassingly primitive. Just think! As you sit reading this, hundreds of the biggest brains money could buy are burning through billions of your tax dollars, conducting cutting-edge research into pharmaceutical, genetic and cybernetic advances that will revolutionize the way wars are fought. Just like Ivanov before them, the men and women involved in these projects know exactly what's expected of them. They know, because their orders have been unambiguous and plainly stated: Create the Soldier of Tomorrow, by any means necessary. On the surface, the Soldier of Tomorrow will appear quite normal. But under a microscope, he will be barely recognizable as human. A vast and varied array of exotic elixirs to "manage environmental and mentally induced stress and to enhance the strength and aerobic endurance" will course through his genetically fortified veins, feeding nano-enhanced muscles and super-efficient organs. He will not sleep. He will not dream. He will not know fear. His reflexes will be boosted to hyper-impulse speeds thanks to the microchips implanted in his body, which will seamlessly interface with his second skin of flexible, bulletproof "smart" armor. His digestive system will be able to extract nutrition from materials that would cause the unmodified an agonizing death. In short, the Soldier of Tomorrow will conform to the parameters of the "iron bodied and iron willed personnel" envisioned by the U.S. Special Operations Command, who seek nothing less than "operational dominance across the whole range of potential U.S. military employments." Not quite the species-bending abominations dreamed of by the borderline-zoophiliac "furry" subculture, but what can you do? Baby steps, people… baby steps! And so we see that Stalin's vision is not dead but merely dormant; an Ideal Form that is slowly beginning to materialize in our base world of flesh. So keep your chin up, all you Apocalypse-hungry voyeurs and morally crippled True Believers! If there's any way on God's Green Earth to create remote-control battalions of unstoppable killing machines -- even if it involves kidnapping your sister and subjecting her non-stop gorilla gang-bangs -- the fine folks at DARPA are just the ones to git 'er done. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 6 On this day in 1969, future President of the USA Jimmy Carter and friends spot an Unidentified Flying Object in the skies of Georgia. Carter files an official report on his experience, which he later described breathlessly as "the darndest thing I've ever seen. It was big, it was very bright, it changed colors and it was about the size of the moon. We watched it for ten minutes, but none of us could figure out what it was. One thing's for sure, I'll never make fun of people who say they've seen unidentified objects in the sky." Fuckin' yokel. On this day in 2005, for the first time since 1877, Congress was forced to interrupt the counting of electoral votes to conduct a debate over the legitimacy of presidential electors. Despite (because of?) the unique and dramatic nature of this historic challenge, coverage in the mainstream news media ranged from scant to nada. Most gave it a cursory mention before moving on to more important news, like the Pitt/Anniston breakup. That's why we here at the Daily Dirt took it upon ourselves to boil down the House Debate into a single statement from each party, consisting entirely of actual quotes from the transcript, with only minor editing for space and grammar purposes. January 7 On this day in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters play their first game. Even though we here at the Daily Dirt are die-hard Washington Generals fans, we wish the 'trotters a "Sweet 69", regardless. On this day in 1961, cops in Providence, Rhode Island arrest 21-year-old Al Pacino and a carload of his friends when they spot the ne'er-do-wells driving around the suburbs in the middle of the night wearing ski masks. Pacino had a gun on him, but claimed it was a prop for an upcoming acting gig. The cops didn't buy it. January 8 On this day in 1815, the "Battle of New Orleans" takes place, with Andrew Jackson leading American forces to victory over the British. It was the most decissive victory of the War of 1812, which was a really stupid name to give a war that lasted the better part of three years. Then again, I guess "the War of 1812 to 1815" doesn't have as much nomenclatural razzle-dazzle. Personally, yer old pal Jerky would have called it "American Revolution II: Anglogeddon!" On this day in 1926, Arab tribal leader Abdul-Aziz ibn Saud is crowned King of Hejaz, a part of the world we now know as Saudi Arabia. Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "The bottom of the envelope had been slashed open and then retaped with green tape. And it said, Opened by Border Protection in great big letters. The U.S. Department of Homeland Security seal is on it, too. ... I know how the Japanese opened mail. In the 1930s they were very good at it. The people whose mail they were reading didn’t even know they had opened it." - 81-year-old history professor Grant Goodman seems shocked at the seemingly ham-fisted tactics used by agents for America's new Total Surveillance State. What the good professor has missed is that, today, The Powers That Be WANT us to know when they've been fucking with our shit. And they want us to go to the media with these stories, too. Intimidation is the whole point. *** **** *** "The storm destroyed a great deal, and there's plenty of space to build houses and sell them for a lot of money. ... Most importantly, the hurricane drove poor people and criminals out of the city, and we hope they don't come back." - Spreading false rumors about roving gangs assassinating police, bragging up the great real estate opportunities created by post-Katrina flooding, helping Bobby Seal and the CIA run drugs from Central America, marrying alleged Bill Clinton sperm-bank Gennifer Flowers... This Finis Shelnutt jerkrag really gets around.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Henry Bent! Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Becky was on the way to see another patient and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients. Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'm converting." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Sixlegged for sending in today's second joke. A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Richard O. It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asked her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NEW ORLEANS: A GROUND ZERO VIEW care of: RUSS Jerky, YOPMICK pontificating from the Northern hinterlands of Wilkes Barre, PA doesn't know what he is talking about. He should know that we survived the hurricane but not the flooding caused by it. Had there been no flooding, we'd have been fine. Note that most hurricanes pass through in two or three hours... we were stuck for 12 hours in that mother. To wit: Yes, you DO have to wait for it to dry out, but it's been pretty dry down here... the real problems are: A. Lack of people power yes, but no POWER power. No electricity... no nuthin'. You can't do shit without it. B. People are scattered all over the fucking country. Where are they going to live while rebuilding? Who is going to pay for the return transportation of the many poorer people who are living in other cities? Most of them were renters. There isn't anything here available for them to rent. Many of them now have jobs or are comfortably on the dole and settled in other cities. What reason is there for them to return? C. People who wish to rebuild (many, many) can't start until someone decides how high (above sea level for those of you thinking of a joint) they will have to build the fucking house to get fucking insurance. Lots of people have homeowner's but not flood insurance. Big arguments over whether the hurricane (covered by homeowner's) caused the levees to break and then flooding neighborhoods. D. Many had no insurance as their area never flooded in 50 or 100 years, so where does all this rebuilding money come from? When does the check come? (See G.) E. Don't forget how the insurance companies get to depreciate the value of your home before cutting you a check... maybe you will have enough to start rebuilding. Insurance companies are experts at weaseling out of paying claims, too. F. Local government workers consisted mostly of the majority ethnic group of the citizenry... black people, who were among the hardest hit and the most evacuated... they are gone, friend. But don't take that to mean that white people were excluded from the destruction by any stretch of the imagination. Everybody was screwed here. G. I finally received a small insurance check on December 27... on damage to a commercial property on high and dry Bourbon Street. Very simple case... Gee, that's only FOUR fucking months. Now I have to find a contractor. Though there are many they are picking and choosing the most profitable jobs and letting the smaller ones sit and wait. H. There were many fucking carpet bagging storm chasers around my area charging as much as $3000 to $4000 each to remove trees from peoples homes. The going rate was $1000 to $1200 before the storm. Some companies were dragging $80,000 per day. Fuck you very much. I saw them in convoys on their way to Texas after Rita hit. The boss and his family in the motor home leading the parade with the employees following in the trucks and heavy equipment. J. They're still arguing over who is responsible for the failure of the levees. It seems to be in the lap of the Corps of of Engineers at the moment. Were mistakes made? Of course. That will be evident anywhere a disaster hits; and there is no lack of finger pointers. The people offering their sterling opinions should get their asses down here and see for themselves just what the level of destruction actually is and just what 60% to 80% of total destruction means. The area of destruction is also not confined to the New Orleans area, and the scope of the entire disaster is simply impossible to wrap your brain around. It is never as simple as you think, and I have only touched on a few of the main points. - Russ in New Orleans [Thank you, Russ. And good luck. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Mr LeBoeuf, I have a novel idea for women. Let's say you're on a date with a new guy. The guy keeps staring at your breasts. Smile politely and tell him that you've just had a mastectomy. Ask him to guess which is the real one and which is the prosthetic. Aram [Nice. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; So I'm watching the news, and Bush is on and someone is asking him about the USAPATRIOT act. And he says that it's vital to homeland protection, yadda yadda. But he finishes the statement by saying that "for reasons... partisan reasons, in my mind, people arn't stepping to the plate and supporting it." Partisan reasons?? Your party controls the fucking Senate! When it's YOUR people balking, that's not "partisan", it's a warning sign! CT [It's also a warning sign when the Preznit starts behaving in a way that indicates he believes everybody's against him. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey mopj, this stuff about plagiarism... you arent goin to sue me for sending your top ten lists out to people? I mean i have family that really wouldnt be interested in the dirt but i have sent a few emails to some family when you put a really killer peace up. i mean dont sue me dude... Mitch W [No worries, brother. Share away. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, have you seen this? I'm just curious if you've had any hassles when trying to fly. It makes me wonder if this could be one of reasons people in the MSM shy away from being too critical of the fascists in control of your country. Nah, they're probably all paid shills; with the exception of Keith Olbermann. BTW, could you post more emails from the rabid right? They make for great comedy and it shows the true breadth of their intellect. YOPCannabian [I haven't flown since 2000. Wherever I go these days, I crawl. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Good point on the Texas parents with the sick child. Didn't Seger do a tune about this place? "Quackbush City Limits"? Well, whatever the name, the message was good. Get the hell out of town. Cheers, YOPMick [Get the hell out of town? Me?! What'd I do? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Moved by terrorist fears and anti-immigrant fervor, we will move ever closer to a national identification card. Citizens of the United States won't be allowed to do something as simple as ride the bus without first showing "their papers," invoking comparisons to communist regimes in the former Iron Curtain countries. Someone in Congress will introduce legislation calling for a national ID card, but with Orwellian panache, will attempt to assuage fears of civil libertarians by calling for the words "this is not a national ID card" to be printed on the actual national ID card. Richard B [I don't doubt it. - Jerky] *** **** *** To the right-wing C-Span show: Your words offer the opiate of power for those at the helm of this sinking ship of states. We the people, who fund and for whom this great country was founded have little voice and no rights in where we go any longer. The navigator, who should be schooled in putting us on a right and true course, is barely schooled in much but greed, cronyism and collusion. The commander and thief has made the dollar king. Those whose wealth is not counted in the billions are counted out. This has always been a dangerous path to tread. Those with out voice, or rights have little left to take away. Can you not learn the horrible lesson of the suicide bomber? Will we have to sink this low before you notice? Ah, it must be why they take from the aged. Stealing Social Security and retirement funds. Thinking they are less likely to strike back. But you will wear the mantle of grey upon your head one day. Who will care for you then? Who will feed you and care for the condition of your bed? Kindness given is kindness received. There is more to life than cruises and clothes. As Eisenhower said, "Beware the military industrial complex." If we give them the reins of power they will steal us blind. Richard H. [A little late for "bewaring", don't you think? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP, Jerky -- Why not start the new year off right and change the Uglitron??? YOP, Kenny "B" [You asked for it, buddy. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com