POINT, COUNTERSPIN! THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART It is, of course, a well established scientific fact that the deaths of famous people always come in threes. When a famous actor dies, you can rest asured two more famous actors are sure to croak in the very near aftermath. The same goes with famous authors, politicians, prostitutes, etc. So it is with some trepidation that we here at the Daily Dirt mention the fact that there is currently one such thanatoid triumvirate wherein the rhetorical "third shoe" has yet to rhetorically "drop," as it were. We're thinking, of course, about the Dead Buddies. First, legendary Vegas comic stalwart Buddy Hackett left us for that smoke-filled booze-hall in the sky. Then, like clockwork, Buddy "Jeeeeb!" Ebsen shuffled off this mortal coil, and into the storied Hills of Beverly in the... um... sky. Now, only one question remains… which Buddy will be next? Will it be legendary bluesman Buddy Guy? Or will it be Buddy Quaid, lesser known sibling of brothers Randy and Dennis? Or will Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari be savagely decapitated in an on-set helicopter mishap during the filming of the Bosom Buddies reunion special? Only time will tell, gentle reader… only time will tell. *** **** *** New Scientist magazine reports that the US army has commissioned research into the design of a special "WMD-detecting missile." Containing special sensors able to detect the presence of suspect substances, such a projectile - currently being developed the at Institute for Advanced Technology at the University of Texas in Austin - could theoretically be launched towards a target area where biological, nuclear or chemical weapons were thought to be. Upon blowing up the target area, the sensors would sniff the debris cloud, beaming back confirmation of WMD in the area. Or not. Can you imagine the press conference on that one? "Our sensors have determined that there were, indeed, weapons of mass destruction at the location which we just totally destroyed. We promise. Thank you, there will be no further questions." It's really quite ingenious when you think about it. Remember that "giant octopus" that washed ashore in Chile last week? Well, it turns out it was just the rotted out head of a Sperm Whale. Still, it's not a total loss, crytozoologically speaking. Yer old pal Jerky suspects the dead whale in question was most likely the victim of a Colossal Squid attack! Right? Right?! A federal judge has blocked yer old pal Jerky's home state of Louisiana's decision to allow license plates bearing the slogan "Choose Life," in reference to the abortion debate, which was seen as a victory by some abortion-rights activists who challenged the state's decision in this regard. As far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, this decision was foolish, and I say that as a staunch advocate of a woman's right to decide whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term. Regardless of what the people who would sport this slogan on their vehicles might be thinking, how can pro-choice advocates be offended by a pro-life motto that begins with the word CHOOSE? It doesn't say: "You'll choose life and you'll LIKE it, missy!" According to Anthony Perks, a retired professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of British Columbia, Stonehenge is actually a stone representation of female sex parts. The idea apparently came to him after watching a television documentary on the ancient and mysterious British monument, which highlighted the fact that nobody knew why one of the upright rocks was smooth while another was rough. Perks explained his epiphany thusly: "I thought to myself that estrogen causes smoother, softer skin in females because it hydrates." You know folks, there are some people why have way too much time on their hands, and there are some people who don't get enough pussy. It seems clear to yer old pal Jerky that Perks is a perfect amalgam of both those kinds of people. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 11 On this day in 1804, after decades of getting up each other's asses and for reasons far too complicated to get into here, Founding Father Alexander Hamilton and then-Vice-President Aaron Burr meet at the Weehawken, New Jersey dueling grounds at the crack of dawn to settle their differences at the end of a pair of pistols. What happened next depends entirely upon which eye-witness you choose to believe - either Hamilton, in a poorly-timed attempt to prove himself a gentleman, fired into the air, only to be shot square in the gut by Burr immediately afterwards, or else he simply took his shot and missed, leaving Burr to offer up a more accurate - and deadly - rebuttal. But whichever scenario is closest to the truth, the end results remain the same: Alexander Hamilton - the genius confidante of George Washington, the man who designed America's economic framework - was dead, and Aaron Burr's reputation as a vicious, vilainous brute was singed, sealed, delivered, oh yeah! On this day in 1812, the United States launches a failed invasion of Canada. The less said about this, the better. On this day in 1889, the Mexican city of Tijuana is born. Three days later, the place is declared a poverty-stricken tourist trap with an unwholesome fixation on the donkey (Mexico's national beast of burden). On this day in 1955, Congress authorizes all American currency to be printed with the motto: "In God We Trust." Unfortunately, they left off the second, funnier half: "All others pay cash." On this day in 1979, Skylab fall down go BOOM!

THEY SAID IT! "The Jews, I find, are very, very selfish. They care not how many Estonians, Latvians, Finns, Poles, Yugoslavs or Greeks get murdered or mistreated as Displaced Persons as long as the Jews get special treatment. Yet when they have power, physical, financial or political neither Hitler nor Stalin has anything on them for cruelty or mistreatment to the under dog. Put an underdog on top and it makes no difference whether his name is Russian, Jewish, Negro, Management, Labor, Mormon, Baptist he goes haywire. I've found very, very few who remember their past condition when prosperity comes." - Some surprisingly Nixonian anti-Semitism has been found in formerly undisclosed diaries kept by President Harry Truman - without whose tireless efforts it is safe to say the modern state of Israel would not exist. You just never know. *** *** *** "I wasn't trying to hurt her. I'm really sorry about it. It never should have happened like that. I'm not the type of person who hurts people. I sincerely apologize to her and to the city of Milwaukee. There wasn't any bad intention in what happened. I wasn't trying to knock her out. I was just going to tap the hat, you know, of the costume, and you just keep going and finish off the race. I wasn't trying to make her fall. Unfortunately, she lost her balance. They were running very close to us. I thought they were trying to play with us. Even when she fell, I was going to try to help her get back up because that was not my intention, in my heart, for that to happen. It's not a good feeling when something like this happens. It's a bad incident, but I never meant for anything like this to happen. I've never been through a situation like this, and I never hurt anybody in my life. Sometimes you make mistakes and, of course, you're going to learn from them. I just hope everything works out fine, and once again, I apologize to her, and I hope she's all right." - Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon seemed genuinely disconsolate in the aftermath of his taking a "playful" swing at a Milwaukee wiener mascot's head, sending her tumbling to the ground. To her credit, Mandy Block - the girl in the constume at the time - refused to press charges (despite being asked to do so, twice, by Milwaukee's District Attorney, obviously on the prowl for a high-profile case), and asked, instead, that Simon autograph a bat for her, which he did. What a gal!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Doc Kirby... A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. "Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." Now even more displeased, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nate Hardwick for sending in today's second joke. This guy goes to the doctor to get his member examined. The doctor welcomes him into his office and asks him how can he be of service. The guy says he wants to get his penis checked out, unzipps his pants and lays a whopper on the doctors' desk. The doctor puts on his gloves and carefully begins to inspect the guys dick. After he's through, he tells the guy: "There's nothing wrong with your penis." The guy replies: "I know Doc, but ain't it a fuckin' beauty?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Words cannot express my rage at Mud Turkey 37 for sending in this shitty joke. Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated RRRRRR.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky! appropriation of stolen goods is not theft. I am not calling the record companies assholes. Heck my best friend is an asshole. I dont steal anything from him. I am calling them leagl organized crime. Anyone who has spent any portion of their lives in the music business as I have knows that it is populated by evil people who want to use your dream to take your wallet away. I dont know why they are so mean. Maybe they are failed musicians? I know, why don't you tell me why peolpe shouldn't download songs. I own rights to a couple dozen songs. I dont give a shit who downloads them as long as they dont make a copy and THEN SELL THAT COPY. A phenomenon which has yet to be witnessed. The truth is that people are downloading songs that are either overwhelmingly popular (JAY Z) or so obscure that they cant find them. (Early Human League, Joy Division, Professor Longhair) If you want to argue on legality, well than I dont think you have a leg, er ah, lung to stand on. Signed: Russ D. Let's run down the file-sharing rationalization checklist, shall we? 1. Record companies are evil! EVIL!!! 2. Pampered musicians all have way too much money. Besides, they should earn a living by playing live concerts, NOT by selling CDs! 3. Nothing as easy to do as "file-sharing" should ever be considered ILLEGAL! 4. If I don't make a profit from the files I've illegally copied, then what's the harm? 5. Information (ie, anything you can make a digital copy of) WANTS to be free! It really really WANTS to!!! Between yourself and the Soapbox idiot, below, you've hit on ALL of the above-listed points. "No leg to stand on," indeed!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ANOTHER IDIOT TRIES TO RATIONALIZE HIS KLEPTOMANIA! Care of: Ryan V Jerky, why are you against free downloading of music ? Do you think the copyright police should sue everyone that hums a song for copyright infringement ? Did you happen to notice that the musicians who are complaining the most hardly need the extra revenue to make ends meet ? When the internet came along there was much discussion about who was going to buy news papers and magazines when they can read it online for free ? These same companies spend several thousand dollars per year to keep their web pages up which give people the same content as in their magazine and papers. Some web pages charge for a subscription for some material, but most are completely free. If the record companies shared the same philosophy, they would have thier own sites providing free music. Other companies take the liberty of paying for the web sites and providing the music at absolutely no direct cost to the record labels. It is the theory of the internet that the information is free, but companies must still charge for books, magazines, Cds, etc because they have the costs of production. MP3 sharing has $0 costs for the record company. It costs the musicians nothing also. The argument of lost revenue comes into play here, but why would it be any different that what all newpapers and magazines are doing ? if there were really so much lost revenue, do you think they would continue ? It is way to much of a hassle to try to get a good copy of a CD to worry about now. I understand full well why you among others are against it. Its basically the same as a web site copying books and posting the digital version for free on a web site. But my argument is this : the internet is free! - Ryan V [Your editorial functions quite nicely as a rebuttal to itself, so I'm just gonna let it stand and hope most folks get the joke. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com