WELCOME TO THE CRYPTOZOO! If there's one thing yer old pal Jerky loves, it's MONSTERS! Ever since he was just a little Jerky, curled up in the dank, dark basement with a flashlight, an issue of Famous Monsters, a set of pliers, and a terrified neighbor kid, he's been a horror and moster movie addict! And lucky for him, today's newsfeed sources were chock-a-block with stories about creepy crawly nightmare creatures! First up, the shores of Santiago, Chile, where scientists are still trying to identify the species of an unidentified sea monster found washed up on shore. The titanic, Cthuloid monstrosity - weighing tons, measuring over 40 feet, and smelling like shit - was originally mistaken for a whale carcass, but subsequent tests have shown it to be an invertebrate. "We'd never before seen such a strange specimen, We don't know if it might be a giant squid that is missing some of its parts or maybe it's a new species," said Elsa Cabrera, director of the Center for Cetacean Conservation in Santiago, who seemed entirely too aroused by the find. Whatever it is, yer old pal Jerky hopes that it has a mommy, and that this mommy comes back to wreak a horrible vengeance on us all. And yer old pal Jerky hopes that, when this happens, SOMEBODY catches the whole thing on tape! Next up… CHINESE PISS-QUATCH!!! Don't ask… just read. And finally on our monster-roster for today, there's THIS fucking idiot... the Creature that Didn't Know when to Shut his Fucking MOUTH! *** **** *** My main man Rotwang has been very busy down in his Rock and Roll Deathlab lately, running a gruelling battery of tests on some of the more interesting music to come down the pike in recent weeks. So head on over to the 'Lab and see what's on the slab! Oh, okay... I'll give you a hint. Radiohead! King Crimson! Steely Dan! You might not agree with everything the ol' Rotter has to say about these bands, but you sure as hell can't deny that he deals out the diss with an unmatched panache! Go on! GIT! *** **** *** TOP TEN PORNO VERSIONS OF THIS YEAR'S SUMMER MOVIES! Our Top Ten Lists go to Eleven! - Jerky 11. Hung and Hungerer: When Harry Felched Lloyd 10. Charlie's Anal Angels 2: Cock-Throttlers 9. LXG - The League of Extraordinarily Well-Hung Gentlemen 8. Sperminator 3: Rise of the Sex Machines 7. Barely Legal Blonde 2: Blonde, Black and Blue 6. Too Fast, Bi-Curious 5. 28 Gays Later 4. Hollywood Homo-Side 3. Sinbad: Legend of the Salty Seamen 2. Banging Nemo 1. Bad Boys 2 Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 2 On this day in 1937, an over-ambitious Amelia Earhart disappears over the Pacific ocean while attemtping to be the first woman to circumnavigate the earth, proving once and for all that chicks have no sense of direction. On this day in 1950, the Ed Wood science fiction classic Plan 9 From Outer Space debuts in a single Hollywood theater. One of the worst films ever made, it still beats the hell out of Battlefield Earth. July 3 On this day in the year 1969, Rolling Stone guitarist Brian Jones drowns to death in his pool. When told about the tragedy, Keith Richards reportedly said: "Brian who?" On this day in 1939, baseballer Lou Gehrig makes his "luckiest man alive" speech at Yankee Stadium. This, despite the fact that he was suffering from Lou Gehrig's Disease, a disease that would soon kill him. Imagine, dying of a disease whose name you share! What are the frickin' odds?! On this day in 1982, uberlesbo Martina Navratilova defeats the really quite plain looking Chris Evert Lloyd at Wimbeldon. At the time, this was seen as a really big deal, for some reason.

THEY SAID IT! "My earliest drawings were of the crucifixion of Christ. That's one thing that's going to turn little boys on - that your religion has to do with a guy getting nailed to a fucking cross and all this blood spurting out and all these saints being set on fire. That's the kind of religion I like." - Joe Coleman, America's premiere professional performing geek and serial killer artist. *** *** *** "I still think one of mankind's greatest inventions is that little brown strip that appears in the bottom of my underwear to tell me when it's time to wash them." - Daily Dirt reader Dave On Dope offers up this bit of folk wisdom about skid-marks.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Junior Johnston... A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy dutifully asked the stewardess, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Mike Davies for sending in today's second joke. A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No. They're dead." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY W.J. Knee sent in this shitty joke. Who do you get your Jokes from They had a circus in town last week, The ringmaster sent an ad to the local newspaper, H e said in the ad that he has loveryone,oking for a lion tamer. 4 people showed up, one was a good looking woman, a Women the guys were laughing, "she can;t tame those LIONS" The Ringmaster stepped in and said Hey let give a Chance, I'll let her go first? They all agreed, You wouldn't Believe how she cracked that whip, she had those cats going through rings of Fire,, And then she took all of her clothes off and the Lion came up And started To lap her pussy with his tongue. The ringemaster, with a Big Smile, asked the Other Lion Tamers '" Do you think You Could top that? YEA. said the other guy : " Only if you get the Lion out of there

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky! A couple of things have been bothering me and I was hoping for your wisdom on these things. First: Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? Did Adam and Eve have Belly Buttons? If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind? And finally: If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight? Any help you can give to shine some light on these subjects would really be appreciated!!! Signed: 667, the Neighbor of the Beast Okay 667, here we go: 1. Zebras are actually very dark purple with very light yellow stripes. 2. Adam and Eve did have bellybuttons, but they were on their foreheads. 3. I don't know about the head in the wind thing, because I'm no good at math. 4. And as for whether to believe in love at first sight, or that love is blind, just pick one ludicrous, meaningless cliché and run with it. Love is an illusion, anyway, so what does it matter in the end? *** ***** *** Dear Jerky, Why does pot cost so much? Nowadays, even if you can score, it's always some hydro-hybrid-clone-of -all-clones that looks great and has a smell that clings, even before you light up. Unfortunately, it burns faster than free-based mousse. Poof! And are you really stoned? Maybe if you slam a couple two-dollar forties between 10-dollar joints you'll be fucked up enough to forget what... Oh. Never mind. I need a nap. And a frozen Snickers bar. Signed: Abc (P.S. TV sure is good today!) Dear ABC; All I can say is find another dealer, maaan, cuz the stuff I've been getting lately has been wheelchair-chemo-supreemo-perfecto, I can assure you of that.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE SOUND OF A SONG-SWAPPER WHO THINKS HE'S IN DEEP DOO-DOO! Care of: Trevor Brooks Dear Jerky, This here isn't as much a question or a comment. But rather, a rant. If you see fit to post this, good! If not, well at least I was able to rant. This is about the announcement by the Recording Industry Association of America. The RIAA. They are now going to pursue legal action against those offering 'substantial' songs on P2P networks. I take issue with this for a couple of reasons. The first being they gave no notice of what would constitute 'substantial'. If they have no definition of substantial in their pursuit of those, like myself, who download and share MP3 files then the court systems are heading for a quagmire. You see, if they sue a person offering 100 songs a person offering 95 songs and a person offering 60 songs, the person offering 60 songs can claim they are being unjustly pursued by record companies since they are not offering songs in the quantities of the other. If the judge or jury found for the record companies there would be endless appeals eating up court time for people who are seeking lawsuits over injury or real damages. Meaning somebody trying to get money from an insurance company after being horribly injured in a car accident or a workplace accident could have to wait because someone doesn't think 60 songs doesn't constitute "substantial." However, this isn't my chief complaint. My chief complaint is actually the actions of the record companies. They see a 14% drop in music sales and immediately assume it's because of file-swapping. They don't seem to realize it is the product itself. I buy many CD's but I haven't found anything worth buying since the Nirvana compilation last year. My point about this is the product quality is slipping and people won't pay for an inferior product. Additionally we appear to be a the bottom of the cycle that happens every 10-15 years where music that was popular and sold well, in this case Pop, is falling out of favor as consumers tastes change (12-year old girls don't stay 12 forever). They also fail to realize that the largest segment of their sales also come from the largest group of downloaders, this being teenagers and 20 something's. They are worried about their sales and yet they are actively alienating their core business. The group I just mention also happen to be those most affected by the poor economy. So the current woes of the music industry can be shown in a simple mathematical formula: Inferior Product + Piss-Poor Economy + Customer Alienation = Record Companies In Trouble These Record Companies are run by supposedly educated and intelligent people and yet they seem to suffer from a collective disorder: Willful Blindness and a complete lack of common sense. Thank You for providing me with an outlet for my rant. Trevor Brooks Hensall, Canada [Sounds like somebody is anxiously waiting to be served a court summons! My take on this situation is simple. Downloading songs for free without the artist's permission is WRONG (and please spare me the justifications... I've heard them all, and they're all sadly lacking), but for the time being, I'm DOING IT ANYWAY. I also buy a lot of CDs to support the artists I admire, and most of the stuff I download I've purchased in some other form, before, but that's beside the point. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com